The metta project has taken an interesting turn. That is, I’m still finding myself lost in the first phase: sending and receiving love for myself. I intended to focus on this part for approximately a week. Instead it has been several weeks now, because I’m feeling stuck.
I am struggling to give myself unconditional love.
Here’s the thing: I try to love myself in various ways every day, but mostly that love is based on a number of conditions. I want to give myself time for me, but only if everyone else is taken care of first. I want to nourish my body with healthy food, but sometimes it feels easiest just to eat whatever (convenient) treats are in front of me. Sometimes that feels like loving myself… but is it?
So I’m spending a lot of time asking myself what happens when I don’t meet my own expectations. Can I love me even when I have disappointed myself? What about when I make a mistake? What about when I’m weak or needy? What about when my house is messy? What happens when I’ve been an imperfect mother or wife? What if I have a zit? Or gain 5 pounds?
Truly, none of those issues – or anything, for that matter – could make me love my own children less. I love them without reserve, without exception, without limits.
Is it possible for me to love myself the same way?
How can I show myself love?
What does that look like?